13 years ago.

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13 years ago today my Dad died. He was not old. He was not ready. He still had a lot of life to live, but still, 13 years ago today my Dad died. He was a remarkable man. Full of life  and love and talent and more personality than any one person should be allowed.  He could do anything. I mean that. I never saw him throw his hands up and say ‘I give up’. He played the drums (self taught)….fished, camped, sang, gardened, cooked, danced, played golf and could build absolutely anything from a thought in his head. dad44He was a dog man. He loved his dogs like children…he would argue that that was not true…but it was. He could (and did) make friends with anyone including the person in line next to him at the grocery store. He loved practical jokes and was the life of any party. He wore a cowboy hat and boots even though he lived his whole life in New England. dad111He played pool and loved cards and dice…cribbage and horseshoes.  He was competitive as all get out and would get mad if he lost…lol….it’s awful, but totally true.

dad2He would cry when he got my new school pictures and one time when I lost a bunch of weight he casually told me while we were driving somewhere in his truck that I ‘really should stop because I didn’t look like Nikki anymore’. He was affectionate and warm. He had a short fuse and was explosive (Am I describing him or me?) He was generous and had eyes that sparkled when he laughed….kinda like a little kid up to no good.

Recently a fellow blogger asked us to share one of our favorite memories from our childhood. I said this: My Dad worked nights and when he would come home in the middle of the night he would make himself something to eat, ending with him laying on the couch watching old movies and eating popcorn. I would get up and stand at the end of the couch behind his head, silent and watching with him till he would say…Come on Nikki…then I would climb up and plop my butt behind the curve of his knees and let my legs hang over his….and he would share his popcorn while we watched that old movie.  I was very little when this happened yet I can still remember how safe I always felt with my Dad.

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My parents divorced when I was still very young and our relationship changed greatly. We had some tough years, but we figured it out and I’m so grateful that we did.

My Dad’s death had a profound effect on me. I’ve shared my story before on my last blog. It’s not really important today, but I’ve struggled deeply to come to terms with his death. I can’t say that I have. It’s something that comes and goes. One year it may hit me hard…the next not as much…this is one of the bad years.

One thing that I can say, is that for the first time this year, I’ve thought a lot about my life and what I’m doing to enjoy it…make the most of it. So maybe that means I am coming to terms with his death. I don’t want to be sad about it anymore. I want to be at peace with it…and possibly, living my life to the fullest is the best way to find that peace in my life and not only that…but to honor his life as well.

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Thanks for Reading~

nikkisig

 

 


48 thoughts on “13 years ago.

  1. What a beautiful tribute to your dad… I’m sure he will be watching over you from his magical moonbeam with pride… I lost my dad 27 years ago next month and it’s still a case of good years and bad years.. even after all this time. He sounds very similar to your dad – his philosophy was “What one man can do, I can do also” … and invariably he did! x

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  2. I don’t know what to say, I hope this makes sense, the way I mean for it to.
    You’ve never talked much about him but I feel like I just got a glimpse of him thru you, his daughter. Pieces of him live on in you so he is still there, in some form. Like how you are with your son perhaps. Your sense of humor. Your good heart. It’s beautiful, this post, and the love between the two of you. People die but LOVE never dies, that’s what I believe. He sounds like a terrific guy and i know he was because I know his daughter and she is awesome! Love you!!!

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  3. It is so sweet of younto remember and honor your dad like this. I’m sure he is all smile if he could read what you’re writing. It seems like the two of you are really close to each other. I’m the eldest of my siblings and I am pretty close to my dad too… when I was younger, I and my sister also sit the same position as you while we watch a horror movie.
    It will always hurt when you remember your dad but you’re right to celebrate his life by living yours to the fullest.
    My hugs and prayers to you my dear friend…

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      1. I cannot say I could relate to the level of pain that you experience, but I do get the picture and I understand how hurtful it may be…and you should not stop yourself from feeling so. It only means how much you love and care for your dad. Embrace the emotion and perhaps cry some more, but do not forget to live your life with the people who care and love you as much, if not more, than you love your dad. 🙂 And I know that’s what he wants for you too!

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  4. There is so much of him in you. The twinkle in the eye, the competitiveness (hating to lose), the short fuse, and big heart, the determination, and the lack of fear for trying and teaching yourself new things. I remember talking to him on the phone, and him warning me that you are a “real pistol” (he wasn’t wrong), he would be proud of the person you are and how much of him is a part of you. This was a beautiful post baby. ❤

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  5. Nikki, I am sure many people in your life have told you what an amazing beautiful woman you are, and now I am telling you. You have brought beautiful tears to my eye. This is such a beautiful tribute to your dad, and your memories are so deep. I am so sorry for your loss. My dad passed away 19 years ago, and I still miss him dearly. There is a bond between a father and daughter that is so special. Hold onto it all. I wish you peace Nikki. Hugs x

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    1. Thank you Lynne. ❤ You brought a tear to my eye this time. There is a special bond. My Dad wasn't around as much as I wish he had been after the divorce but prior to that we spent every day together because he worked nights. I was his shadow. Then when I got older we rebuilt our relationship and I'm so happy for that. Hugs back at you. ❤

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  6. Aww Nikki, thanks for sharing your love for your dad. He sounds like a wonderful man. I can completely see you hanging out, watching old movies and eating popcorn.
    Good for you for expressing yourself … and for your willingness to come to peace. There’s a lot of grace in that, from my experience. Take good care of yourself, girl!! Love, Debbie xo Hugs

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  7. This is an absolutely beautiful tribute to your father, Nikki. He seemed like an amazing man, and I feel honored that you shared this with us, especially the memory of you guys sharing popcorn and watching that old movie- brings me to tears. I lost my father in November seven years ago and this month is especially hard for me always- I sympathize entirely ❤ Hugs to you big time ❤ ❤

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    1. Thank you Mack ❤
      I'm sorry that you too have lost your Dad. It's the most difficult thing I've ever been through..and continues to be. It's a lot better than it used to be for sure though. Some years are perfectly fine with just a little disappointment when something comes up that I would love to share with him. Others are tougher…I feel a sadness from within that just sits there heavy in my stomach. It passes quicker than it used to thankfully. I know he would not want me to be sad and that's what pushes me out of my sadness.

      HUGS to you and I hope you find peace as well. ❤

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      1. Oh wow- you articulated how I feel as well perfectly. It’s always the happy moments that I want to share that cause that pain and ache all over again. Thank you for sharing this with me. As we enter this holiday season of bitter sweetness I pray that you are able to experience more of a reflective joy on those times and less of the pain ❤ And once again- this was truly a beautiful tribute to your Dad. It inspires me to do something special for my own to help keep his memory alive.

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    1. Thanks Miri. ❤

      I think he would want me to happy too. He was a bit of a baby about being remembered on his Birthday and such (it still makes me laugh) so I think he would love this post…but then he would want me to shake it off and go do something fun. ❤

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  8. Aw Nikki, I’m so sorry. What a beautiful post about your father. I can feel just how safe and happy you felt eating your popcorn with him late at night. I relate so much to this because I just lost my dad a few years ago and he too was not ready to go and we had a complex, complicated relationship. So much unsaid between us… Sending you hugs. xoxo

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    1. Thank you Lisa ❤ I'm sorry for your loss as well. My Dad and I had a complicated relationship as well, but I know how lucky I am to truly feel there was nothing left unsaid. We were extremely close even when things were hard. Thank you for the hug and I'm sending one back to you. ❤

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