Limbo. Where the Magic happens.

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Last week I wrote about losing my Zen and the support and understanding was insane. I thought about it a lot before writing it and of course after. The truth is, I’ve been living in limbo for the better part of 2 years. It’s been something I’ve struggled with. It’s something I’ve thought about A LOT and in a very negative way. And then the other night I had what I’ll call an epiphany.

So what do I mean by ‘Living in limbo?’

I mean that for me personally I wasn’t clear on my future. My wants, goals, value…and such. That’s the kind of limbo I’m talking about here.

Now my readers tend to be some of the most compassionate, kind and supportive people on WordPress so let me preference what I’m about to say….I am NOT beating myself up. I am NOT on a downward spiral. But to get my point across I have to tell you the truth about how I WAS feeling. So please know that this is a happy post and comes from a place of awakening!

The reason I have been in limbo for so long is because I truly had no idea what to do with myself when my son finished with High School. I was a stay at home mom for all of his life. We homeschooled and then he went to a college prep virtual school. Even though he had highly qualified teachers, I was legally bound to stay at home and monitor him. When it was time for him to start college I lost my job…my purpose…and honestly, my self-worth.

Totally unhealthy! I get it. I put all my eggs in one basket. NOT a good idea and no…I do not recommend it! But that’s what I did. I wanted to be the best mom I could be and I accomplished that.

But after, what was I left with? You can’t put ‘rockin stay at home mom’ on a resume.  I also had no idea what I wanted to do with MY life.  I didn’t have a clue who I was outside of being a mom.

Fast forward…I’m 44 now. No work experience in the last 20 years. No babies to tend to. No dreams of going back to retail customer service and honestly it’s not even a good idea for me to work with our current situation. Plus the bum with no beach (that’s my husband if ya don’t know) provides for us all, so I don’t have to work somewhere I don’t want to.

Add all this up and it can take it’s toll on your mind though. Who am I? What’s my purpose? Where am I going? What do I want? How do I even add value?

I felt like a loser. I felt like my dreams were silly and unattainable and I also had this pain in the ass mental illness (OCD) bogging me down.

I had entered Limbo and I thought it was a place to wallow in failure.

But limbo is the place where magic happens.

You see I’m not wallowing. I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m healing.  I’m discovering. I’ve found passions I didn’t know I had. I’ve learned skills that have changed my life. I’ve been busy..so busy developing into this person that I am now…that I didn’t even notice it happening.

When I had my ah-ha moment the other night I realized that the last 2 years of self-growth and self discovery are just part of the preparation for what’s to come. It’s like a ‘rest’ period before I move forward. Limbo is giving me a safe place to morph from Mom, into the grown up version of Nikki.  It’s giving me the stability I need to find out what makes me feel alive. It’s giving me the protection and privacy I need to learn to manage my OCD. It’s giving me the freedom to ponder and experiment. It’s allowing me to wander and to truly heal some of the most damning things I’ve been through. It’s giving me time to grieve a life I loved and start to plan for something new.

All of that (and more) has happened to me while living in limbo and I am SO grateful for this time. I’m lucky to have the opportunity to truly stop and take my time before being thrust into a new life.

I didn’t realize how far I’d come until I had this moment the other night. It was like a rainfall of information came pouring over me and with that more gratitude than I could ever express.

I don’t feel rushed or like I need to jump into anything. I’m going to embrace this limbo and continue to be open to everything that could happen. It’s empowering to say ‘I don’t know and that’s ok!’ When we turn things around and focus on the positive it’s amazing how different they look. What felt like a prison now feels like an endless stream of possibility.  See…Magic.

Thanks for reading~

nikkisig


49 thoughts on “Limbo. Where the Magic happens.

  1. It is a process in and of itself.

    I was the PTA mom, the Orchestra mom, the Drama Club mom, the back up mom to moms… for thirteen years. Then my last child graduated and I was like, “Now what?” My situation wasn’t helped by the fact I was also dealing with a chronic illness which made stepping out to try new things difficult. But the new thing I did discover was me – and I hadn’t realized I was lost, but I was.

    I value the time I spent sorting it all out. Didn’t take long for me to remember the things I loved doing but put aside when my children were young.

    I’m “reconfiguring” again now that the mister is a renal patient – which is a whole different box full of shits and giggles – but now it’s just a matter of prioritizing, no searching required. You know we’re all waaay too busy! 😉😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it’s quite common among parents don’t you? I had completely lost myself but when it was time to be me again…I didn’t have the same interests as my 23 year old self…so I had to sorta start over. It’s been a journey that’s for sure. Big hugs to you and yours. ❤

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  2. What a beautiful, uplifting post! I love how you describe this place, limbo, I often refer to it as being in a holding pattern and it’s lovely when one starts moving again. Enjoy the magic and thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Nikki I can relate SO much and went through so many of these issues and asked myself the same questions. But you’re right, there’s a purpose in everything and you’re finding yourself now, just like I am. Stay on track. The future’s lookin’ good my friend. Wonderful reflective post. xo hugs

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  4. Thank you for being so open and honest! I worked all my life, then I was laid off work. That’s when God called me to North Carolina to help my parents. But I also feel useless and like I’m wasting my life. At the same time I know I’ve been the kind of help that my mother needs right now. I have started volunteering, and that really helps! I recommend that highly. Find something that you really love. And see if there’s an organization, especially nonprofit, that you can volunteer for. I also go to an MS self-help group, and that really helps too. I also get together with friends and play mah-jongg once a week. These are things that have helped me.

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  5. I can completely relate! I’m a few years behind with the kids still at home and keeping me hopping, but I see that moment when it won’t be all about them and I am working on remembering who I am. And you’re right, I don’t like all of the things that I did when I was 22 and first became a mom either. While they were growing, I was growing too. 🙂 I’m glad that you are at peace with your limbo.

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  6. There was an articulate I read recently. I looked for it but couldn’t find it. I’ll keep looking.

    It was about women who have an exceptionally hard time when their kids leave. It’s because that was their passion. Like they found their passion in motherhood how others find it in photography or cooking or whatever else. Except photography and cooking don’t physically go away. I really liked it and thought it was a good perspective. If I find it, I’ll send it to you.

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    1. That is interesting Lacey. I can tell you if I had it all to do over again I would fight the urge to lose myself. It’s easy to do! Our kids become everything to us…but I would make time for me more and keep some part of who I am alive and kicking. That being said, you do what you know and when you know better you do better. I just ran out of kid to practice on. 😉 😉 😉

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  7. Hello Nikki!
    I can so relate to much of what you have beautifully articulated. And I had a year like that last year which I’ll eventually write about too.
    Big things can take place in this time, even when nothing much looks to be going on.
    All the best with your continuing unfolding journey and thank you for a beautiful post 💕🌼🌼

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  8. Congrats! So glad your epiphany arrived. If it makes you feel better I am 44 and all my kids are home and I am still having a midlife crisis. I have been in the middle of one for a few years now. I feel the clock ticking and I feel like I am at that place that I alway said “Someday I will be this and have this..” and someday is here and it really doesn’t feel any different than it felt 24 years ago. Shouldn’t I be feeling together and fabulous by now?? When does that start?? lol Maybe some day. I may be the most fabulous lady in the retirement home wearing my crown and baubles around..

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