Last week I wrote about losing my Zen and the support and understanding was insane. I thought about it a lot before writing it and of course after. The truth is, I’ve been living in limbo for the better part of 2 years. It’s been something I’ve struggled with. It’s something I’ve thought about A LOT and in a very negative way. And then the other night I had what I’ll call an epiphany.
So what do I mean by ‘Living in limbo?’
I mean that for me personally I wasn’t clear on my future. My wants, goals, value…and such. That’s the kind of limbo I’m talking about here.
Now my readers tend to be some of the most compassionate, kind and supportive people on WordPress so let me preference what I’m about to say….I am NOT beating myself up. I am NOT on a downward spiral. But to get my point across I have to tell you the truth about how I WAS feeling. So please know that this is a happy post and comes from a place of awakening!
The reason I have been in limbo for so long is because I truly had no idea what to do with myself when my son finished with High School. I was a stay at home mom for all of his life. We homeschooled and then he went to a college prep virtual school. Even though he had highly qualified teachers, I was legally bound to stay at home and monitor him. When it was time for him to start college I lost my job…my purpose…and honestly, my self-worth.
Totally unhealthy! I get it. I put all my eggs in one basket. NOT a good idea and no…I do not recommend it! But that’s what I did. I wanted to be the best mom I could be and I accomplished that.
But after, what was I left with? You can’t put ‘rockin stay at home mom’ on a resume. I also had no idea what I wanted to do with MY life. I didn’t have a clue who I was outside of being a mom.
Fast forward…I’m 44 now. No work experience in the last 20 years. No babies to tend to. No dreams of going back to retail customer service and honestly it’s not even a good idea for me to work with our current situation. Plus the bum with no beach (that’s my husband if ya don’t know) provides for us all, so I don’t have to work somewhere I don’t want to.
Add all this up and it can take it’s toll on your mind though. Who am I? What’s my purpose? Where am I going? What do I want? How do I even add value?
I felt like a loser. I felt like my dreams were silly and unattainable and I also had this pain in the ass mental illness (OCD) bogging me down.
I had entered Limbo and I thought it was a place to wallow in failure.
But limbo is the place where magic happens.
You see I’m not wallowing. I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m healing. I’m discovering. I’ve found passions I didn’t know I had. I’ve learned skills that have changed my life. I’ve been busy..so busy developing into this person that I am now…that I didn’t even notice it happening.
When I had my ah-ha moment the other night I realized that the last 2 years of self-growth and self discovery are just part of the preparation for what’s to come. It’s like a ‘rest’ period before I move forward. Limbo is giving me a safe place to morph from Mom, into the grown up version of Nikki. It’s giving me the stability I need to find out what makes me feel alive. It’s giving me the protection and privacy I need to learn to manage my OCD. It’s giving me the freedom to ponder and experiment. It’s allowing me to wander and to truly heal some of the most damning things I’ve been through. It’s giving me time to grieve a life I loved and start to plan for something new.
All of that (and more) has happened to me while living in limbo and I am SO grateful for this time. I’m lucky to have the opportunity to truly stop and take my time before being thrust into a new life.
I didn’t realize how far I’d come until I had this moment the other night. It was like a rainfall of information came pouring over me and with that more gratitude than I could ever express.
I don’t feel rushed or like I need to jump into anything. I’m going to embrace this limbo and continue to be open to everything that could happen. It’s empowering to say ‘I don’t know and that’s ok!’ When we turn things around and focus on the positive it’s amazing how different they look. What felt like a prison now feels like an endless stream of possibility. See…Magic.
Thanks for reading~